mail time...

My favorite posts to do are the ones where I write random letters to people/places/things. Why? I dunno. I just like them...get off my back about it 'aight? On we go...

Dear Pesto,

I am sorry for calling you an idiotic crackhead pigeon child. That was not very nice or nurturing of me. Sometimes I am a bad pigeon mother. You were brilliant in lab on Monday...even though you still pulled a biatch move and scratched me. Although, I am thinking that a pigeon scratch is the equivalent of me shanking someone...so you must get that from your mother. Holla! I promise not to squeeze you anymore as long as you don't peck me. Deal? Deal!

Dear Hershey's Cookies and Cream Candy Bar,

I just ate you for dinner. Yeah. That is correct for DINNER. You were delicious...unfortunately I now feel like I am going to vomit. Yes, I do blame you for that. Why? Um...because I can. That is all.

Dear UPS,

So, I have used your lovely speedy delivery services many times (um...twss?). Overall, I have always been left fully satisfied (what she always hopes to say). However, as of today you have left me high and dry (we get the idea correct?). When I pay YOU to overnight something...you should do just that. Get the delivery there...over-freaking-night. Because of YOU and your lame delivery people in their ugly brown uniforms a package of sheer awesome has been delayed. Is it the end of the world? No. Am I still pissed? Yep.

Dear Girl I Walked Behind This Afternoon,

Um. Just a friendly tip...tights do not qualify as pants. They just don't. If they ever do, one should at least have the decency to make sure their shirt covers their booty. You unfortunately didn't. I could see through your 'pants'...and when I say, "I could see through them." I literally mean I could see the pattern on your underwear. Sick-to-the-nast.

Dear Blog,

I am sorry I have been neglecting you as of late. It isn't that I don't care...it is just that I have been a little busy. School and such has stolen me away from my own personal happy place. Unfortunately, I do not believe this time issue will be solved any time soon. Between commuting, classes, homework, and my internship I am a busy gal! I do solemnly swear to post at least once or twice a week (hopefully more). Honestly, it's me not you.

Dear Weekend,

Hi. Can you get here with the quickness? Thank you.

Dear Mom,

You know I love you as if you were family, right? Bahaha...just kidding you are my family. I accepted that many years ago. You know what I do NOT love? The sex jokes that you insist on making constantly. Just because I am an adult and we can have a good laugh about grownup business now does not mean that I want to hear the phrase 'Levi lovin' come out of your mouth. Ever. In my life. NEVER. Also, please stop referring to your electric blanket as your 'electric boyfriend'. It isn't funny. It is child abuse. That is all.

Dear Astronomy,

You are possibly the most dull class I have ever taken. I know it is my fault that I am taking you right at this moment. I should have completed my GE requirement of a physical universe science with a lab component in my first two years of college. Well, what can I say? I am a slacker and decided to wait until my last semester of college. So I brought it on myself. However, I take serious issue with the fact that I have to learn about the stars. Why? Because I want to be a shrink not Spock. Although, one of my favorite twss jokes of all time came from that class. The professor even gave my twss accomplice and myself 5 points for our epic joke. This was what went down, guy in my class leans over in the planetarium and says, "Hey, can I use my Big Dipper to shoot the Milky Way into your Heavenly G?" Me, "Holy hilarity! That is FOR SURE what he asked her!" Yep. Epic win right there.

So, does anyone want to send some mail with me? I know these were all kind of rants...but hey sometimes one just needs to rant! So join me, won't you?