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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

mail time...

My favorite posts to do are the ones where I write random letters to people/places/things. Why? I dunno. I just like them...get off my back about it 'aight? On we go...

Dear Pesto,
I am sorry for calling you an idiotic crackhead pigeon child. That was not very nice or nurturing of me. Sometimes I am a bad pigeon mother. You were brilliant in lab on Monday...even though you still pulled a biatch move and scratched me. Although, I am thinking that a pigeon scratch is the equivalent of me shanking someone...so you must get that from your mother. Holla! I promise not to squeeze you anymore as long as you don't peck me. Deal? Deal!

Dear Hershey's Cookies and Cream Candy Bar,
I just ate you for dinner. Yeah. That is correct for DINNER. You were delicious...unfortunately I now feel like I am going to vomit. Yes, I do blame you for that. Why? Um...because I can. That is all.

Dear UPS,
So, I have used your lovely speedy delivery services many times (um...twss?). Overall, I have always been left fully satisfied (what she always hopes to say). However, as of today you have left me high and dry (we get the idea correct?). When I pay YOU to overnight something...you should do just that. Get the delivery there...over-freaking-night. Because of YOU and your lame delivery people in their ugly brown uniforms a package of sheer awesome has been delayed. Is it the end of the world? No. Am I still pissed? Yep.

Dear Girl I Walked Behind This Afternoon,
Um. Just a friendly tip...tights do not qualify as pants. They just don't. If they ever do, one should at least have the decency to make sure their shirt covers their booty. You unfortunately didn't. I could see through your 'pants'...and when I say, "I could see through them." I literally mean I could see the pattern on your underwear. Sick-to-the-nast.

Dear Blog,
I am sorry I have been neglecting you as of late. It isn't that I don't care...it is just that I have been a little busy. School and such has stolen me away from my own personal happy place. Unfortunately, I do not believe this time issue will be solved any time soon. Between commuting, classes, homework, and my internship I am a busy gal! I do solemnly swear to post at least once or twice a week (hopefully more). Honestly, it's me not you.

Dear Weekend,
Hi. Can you get here with the quickness? Thank you.

Dear Mom,
You know I love you as if you were family, right? Bahaha...just kidding you are my family. I accepted that many years ago. You know what I do NOT love? The sex jokes that you insist on making constantly. Just because I am an adult and we can have a good laugh about grownup business now does not mean that I want to hear the phrase 'Levi lovin' come out of your mouth. Ever. In my life. NEVER. Also, please stop referring to your electric blanket as your 'electric boyfriend'. It isn't funny. It is child abuse. That is all.

Dear Astronomy,

You are possibly the most dull class I have ever taken. I know it is my fault that I am taking you right at this moment. I should have completed my GE requirement of a physical universe science with a lab component in my first two years of college. Well, what can I say? I am a slacker and decided to wait until my last semester of college. So I brought it on myself. However, I take serious issue with the fact that I have to learn about the stars. Why? Because I want to be a shrink not Spock. Although, one of my favorite twss jokes of all time came from that class. The professor even gave my twss accomplice and myself 5 points for our epic joke. This was what went down, guy in my class leans over in the planetarium and says, "Hey, can I use my Big Dipper to shoot the Milky Way into your Heavenly G?" Me, "Holy hilarity! That is FOR SURE what he asked her!" Yep. Epic win right there.

So, does anyone want to send some mail with me? I know these were all kind of rants...but hey sometimes one just needs to rant! So join me, won't you?

12 comments:

lynninlove said...

you my friend are a funny funny girl! Keep the letters coming!!

and seriously.. Astronomy is a total bore. When I signed up I thought it was going to be awesome. I dropped it in 2 seconds in college! Have fun with the hilarity!

Sam said...

I had something shipped overnight by UPS recently and it did NOT come overnight. I didn't pay $18 in shipping for them to take their time! And your 'dear mom' made me LOL. My mom will say something inappropriate at times with the same idea, that I'm an adult so it's okay. When will moms learn!

Oh, and my word verification is 'hyper'. Just thought I'd share the awesomeness.

Shelby Lou said...

dude.. girls that think tights are pants are losers.


you are hilar..
SRSLY.

Ash Att said...

unless they are shelby..who runs around in tights and a t shirt in the appartment. i dont mind because she is my fave, and doesnt wear it in public. they would be mega jealous of her.pretty sure. dude alex you rock! i loved this mail post. i want to try it one day. can i copy you? is that ok?

Kristin Lee said...

I love you, you are so hilarious. I was seriously thinking the tights for pants thing the other day when I had a horrifying encounter of my own. Sick to the nast.

Allison said...

Dear Alex,

Even though you're sometimes a bad pigeon mommy, you are TOTALLY not lacking in your mother bear-ness.

Love,
Allison

PS- my word verification was "weena" HEEHEEHEE

KatOfDiamonds said...

I gotta say I loved Pestos letter the most hahaha

Ashton Dene' said...

You always make me laugh. I love it. Glad that Pesto is doing better and you aren't squeezing him any more!

x, ash

Kellie said...

I joined!
I've never taken Astronomy..and I don't think I have to. Luckily! Stars are pretty, but I don't really want to know about them.

Her Majesty Lisa (LadyWanderlust) said...

#1 Took Astronomy for Airheads and did okay, but boy was it way over my head, no pun intended.

#2 At least your mom understands sex jokes enough to tell you some. I still have to explain to my mom what stuff means. It is SOOOOOO embarrassing. LOL

Dear Alexandria,

You are still the cutest thing and you are still in my pocket. :)

Connie said...

Oh astronomy.. haha

I feel the same way about it. Stars. Who needs em.

hehe
♥ xo

Vanessa said...

Dear Alex,

I love writing letters and reading letters and your letters. I miss you because I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever. This is sad news. Give Pesto my love.

Love always,
Vanessa

P.S. I need to start practicing my Journey songs. I don't want to be the weakest link.