I love mail. Not bills and postcards from my dentists telling me it is time to get my teeth cleaned. But the occasional little note from someone or birthday cards...you know fun stuff like that. So since I love mail I am sending out some letters of my very own...
Hi, you look lovely right now all painted up with 'Sally Hensen Insta-Dri, one stroke polish in Rapid Red'. I am really happy that I decided to stop biting you. I really only stopped because I realized that it is sicknast that I touch stuff all day long and then put my germy hands in my mouth. It wasn't because I wanted you to grow and look pretty. But you do look fab so good on ya, mate! (bet you didn't know I speak Australian...yep I do.)
I love that you have everything on the planet one would need to survive a nuclear holocaust. Like seriously, I could move into Costco and live there the rest of my life and have everything I could ever desire. I hate going to you because every single time I come to visit it is 'old people day'. Don't get me wrong I love me some old people, just not when they stop in the middle of the aisles and just stand there looking confused. Or when they are standing in a line to get a free taste of something that they will never ever buy, like hot pockets. However, you sell churros so I will not hold the old people thing against you. The end.
I don't have one of you nor do I want one. I do take some serious issue with the fact that you have used some crappy cover of a Beatles song in your new commercial. The Beatles rule the musical universe...no one should ever cover them (unless you are in the movie 'Across the Universe'...then you will be forgiven because that movie is amazing!)That is blasphemy and you should never ever do it again. Thank you.
Dear Bill O'Reilly,
Shut up. Thank you.
Dear Skin Cream I Cannot Remember The Name Of,
I had never heard of your brand before but I spotted you while I was dodging old people in Costco and I realized you have the worst ad slogan I have ever seen. Writing, 'Do you have a turkey neck?' on a skin cream for women is just plain crazy. Even if I had a turkey neck I would never buy a product that said it would get rid of it because that would be mortifying. Hire some better advertisers.
In between studying for my killer bio psych exam and working on my senior seminar term paper I will be watching you. I feel very left out when everyone talks about this fabulous show because I have yet to view you. Which, if you know me, you know it is pure insanity that I am not watching...because I love musicals more than any gay man alive. Witness.
Dear Woman Who Cut Me Off Today,
You made me very angry. It would be nice if you didn't pull out in front of someone who is going 55 mph and then drive slower than a snail slithers (or whatever snails do). It would also be nice if you didn't flip me off when I honked because you almost made my car smash into yours. I also wish that I wouldn't have gone into a rage blackout (holla Summer from the O.C.) and passed you and flipped you off while your child (that I did NOT see ahead of time) was in the passenger seat. I laughed my booty off when I read the, "Teach Peace" sticker you had on your back window when you re-passed me, and then continued to drive at 10 mph. Yes, I do know that I have road rage.
Dear Term Paper,
Sorry that I have been procrastinating and not working on you as much as I should have. Even though I have been procrastinating you must love that I forgot I was writing you last night and slipped into 'blog writing mode' and typed 'lamespice'. I have apparently been reading far too much BBL. I was half-tempted to leave it in there...because my professor would have loved it.
I am very happy you are finally here. It has been a loooong week and I needed you severely. In between studying and homework catch-up I have some super secret plans to work out. Oh, you want some hints? Let's just say it maybe, sorta, kinda, might rhyme with 'liveaway'.
Does anyone want to send some mail with me? Join in, it's a party! Until next week blog world.
Oh, and everyone have a Happy Halloween!