one year ago...

One year ago today I said goodbye to my dad for the last time. I remember the night before he passed so vividly. My brothers sleeping on the floor in the living room, my uncle on the couch, my mom and I in my dads bed, right next to the hospital bed where my dad was unconscious. I remember how that night, when no one was looking I went and sat next to my dad. I like to think that he knew I was there and that he heard all that I said to him. I will not go into detail about what all I said, just some things that needed to be said, some apologies I needed to make. Then I let go of his hand, kissed him on the forehead and whispered, "It's okay Dad. We are all going to be okay. We are all here. I love you. It is time to go. Dad, I love you and it is okay for you to go. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay." I later found out that my brothers had similar conversations with my dad that same evening.

At 4:54 a.m. my mom woke me up and told me my dad had passed away. I sat up out of bed, looked to my right and I could have sworn he was just sleeping. My brother Jon-than came in and kissed him, while I sat on the bed crying. Jon-than sat down and held my hand while we waited for the coroner to come to declare the time of death.

It was hard. It was sad. It is still hard, and still sad. I miss my dad. As much as he used to drive me crazy, I miss him like crazy. The hardest thing was not having him there when I graduated from college. That was always SO important to him. But I did take a picture of us to graduation, so he was in my pocket as I walked on to that stage and received my diploma. So now I just have some words of advice. Be kind to the people you love. Tell them how you feel, don't ever wait to do so. Enjoy the time you have with loved ones, because it is always limited.

Dad, I love you and I miss you. A lot.

xoxo